Crazy Rantings

Hello there! Remember me? Sorry I kind of dropped off the blogosphere. Life is just crazy. We went to Washington for Thanksgiving and then came back and had to return right back to work. I have had so much I have wanted to blog about, but honestly the only free moments I have are fully devoted to my baby and her daddy now that I am working full time. So, here are a whole lot of random thoughts that are in my mind.

Self-Image

I have never been an ultra confident girl, but something in me has snapped since having a baby. While I may have lacked confidence, I also have learned to accept myself for who I am…flaws and all. It took me by surprise when I broke down the other night before my sister’s wedding realizing that I didn’t like what was staring back at me in the mirror. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t find myself to be a hideous beast or anything, I think I am just trying to accept the fact that my clothes just don’t fit me the same. Honestly, I don’t hate my body…I accept it…it is just so frustrating to not have anything fit. Oh the things our bodies go through to have a beautiful baby. Although I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Work

Returning to work has caused a mix of emotions. It truly wasn’t as hard to return as I thought it would be which truly scared me. I had expected to be a hot mess when I had to leave my baby for 9 hours a day. Thankfully I had a lot of people to remind me that it will hopefully be short term and I have been spoiled because my mother-in-law has brought Eden in during my lunch every day (thank you Cherri!!!), so truly deep down I know it’s not forever which makes leaving her a bit easier. I definitely have started to understand working moms though, and I don’t know how they do it. You moms are ROCKSTARS. While I found being a stay at home mom presented its own challenges…trying to work, feed my baby, love my baby, clean the house, cook the food…blah blah blah is ridiculously hard. I don’t think there has been a night where I haven’t broken down at least once, and I. DON’T. CRY. Seriously being a mom is stressful and is making me much more emotional that I can handle.

Adoption

Josh and I have never agreed on the amount of bambinos we want, but one thing we knew for sure was that we wanted to adopt. Adoption has been on my heart since I was a very young girl. I think I announced to my parents that I wanted to adopt a child from out of the country when I was just four years old. Seeing that adoption was such a passion of mine, I was sure to talk to Josh about it before we were even married. I wanted to know that he shared the same passion because it honestly was that big of a deal for me. Thankfully he was on board. Right now we are feeling lead to adopt from Ethiopia for a variety of reasons. I get excited about the prospect and pray that God leads us in the direction that He desires us to go. I have to admit though that I am a nervous wreck. Many questions have plagued me recently. How do you pick the right agency? When will we ever have enough money in order to proceed with an adoption? Why do I feel like I have to be infertile in order to want to adopt my next child? Yes, these are the crazy things that my mind goes through on a daily basis. However, Josh reminds me that it isn’t up to me at all. There is no need to worry because God has the ultimate plan…and a way better plan that I can ever come up with in my pea sized brain. Oh and no, I am not ready for baby #2 anytime soon, I just happen to be an obsessive planner who can never seem to shut off my mind, if even for a moment!

Guilt

That I am not enough. That I haven’t been able to cook a decent meal lately. That I haven’t taken many photos of Eden since I returned to work. That I still haven’t uploaded her 2 month pictures and she is almost 3 months. That I haven’t been much of a wife lately. That I am so tired at the end of the night that I just throw a pity party instead of enjoying all the special moments.
Creativity

I am aching to get my creative juices flowing again. They have been severely lacking lately as I try to just keep my head above water these days. I have so many ideas and no time to do them. Actually, I have this true desire to open an Etsy shop to ensure that I can spend some time creating, however for some reason I am stuck on exactly what I want to do.

Holidays

I read somewhere that if you have had a baby in the last year to NOT make a big deal of the holidays. At first I almost peed my pants because this goes against everything I believe. It is when you have kids that you want to make a big deal…start new traditions…etc. However, I am so thankful for that bit of advice now because honestly if I were to keep trying to make Christmas a bigger deal my head would explode (update: my head already exploded at work today). I am finding that this year I am going to just have to settle for the “less is best” mentality and just soak up this time with my family and friends. I just have to keep repeating over and over “Jesus is the reason for the season” to keep myself from feeling sad that there are still no lights on the house, my mantle is half decorated, Eden’s tree still isn’t up in her room, I am going to buy Christmas treats this year and not make them myself…yeah the list grows longer.

Happiness

Even with all of these thoughts rolling around in my head there is one thing I know, I am happy. I know this post seemed rather sad, but honestly I am so joyful right now. I have a family that loves me, we are healthy, we have a roof over our heads, we have food, we have clothes to keep us warm, and we have Jesus. I’ve got a one way ticket to Heaven and in that I can rejoice. So, I am choosing today to be thankful and to be happy, no matter the circumstances.

To any of you who stuck it through this endless blubbering, way to go! Sorry there isn’t a prize for that. I realize this was an extremely personal post, but it is what I felt lead to write and well, I just needed to “let it all hang out” as they say. I am thankful to have an outlet to release some of my crazy thoughts. Also, my apologies for the pictureless post. Honestly it is driving me crazy, but I promised myself that this post was about releasing the worries and thoughts and not about images. I promise I have pictures to share from our past few weeks, just need to take the time to edit the photos and post them. I can’t promise much until I get used to this whole full-time work thing…

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5 thoughts on “Crazy Rantings

  1. I'm glad you know you need to give yourself a break- it's just so hard to do! Remember too that hormones are SERIOUSLY playing with your emotions right now, so the breakdowns are hard, but normal. Believe me. I've done it…. a lot. And I totally understand about the clothes thing. it's so hard to not have things that fit, but not want to buy much because you know you may not stay this size forever. very frustrating. hang in there! my time working full time was such a stretch, but I have such great memories of truly becoming a team with my husband. you are almost over the really-hard first three months hurdle! it will only get better from here!!

  2. So many things you said resonated with me. I feel the same way so often with so many aspects in my life. I didn't know you wanted to adopt. That is so cool. I have wanted to since my parents adopted my two younger brothers and also asked Joe before we got married if he was willing to consider adoption. I'm thinking maybe our next one (after our current little bambino is born)might be adopted. But I am jumping ahead of myself right now. :)Hang in there Mal. You are doing a great job as a mom and wife. And just like I have to keep telling myself, there is no such thing as a perfect mom who has it all together. When we look at other "perfect" women, we are only seeing a tiny part of the picture.

  3. Thank you Ashley and Ashley! :)I definitely think it is so true that we desire so badly to be a "perfect" mom, but then feel worthless when we can't live up to that standard. We all need to just let it go, but it is so hard! Oh the endless battles we women fight…glad we are all in it together!XoXo,M

  4. I just love you (and miss you!!) and all your wonderful honesty! I think you are a fabulous mom and wife (and I know Josh would agree with me! :)). I think you would do great if you opened an etsy shop. I am a planner like you and think its great that you are thinking about your next child even if you aren't ready for one just yet. Hang in there! Things will fall into place and you will get the hang of it all. 🙂

  5. Natalie-You are too sweet! I love and miss you as well 🙂 Don't worry, I am really feeling like things are settling down now…just in time for me to go back to being a stay at home/working mom. I appreciate the encouragement!xo,Mal

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